Monday, May 07, 2007

Tit Ticklers

Nothing wakes me up faster than a tick on the tit. And so it was in the o'dark hours this morning that I was shot from a surreal dream to a too real wake-state by the sensation of something small crawling across my left nipple. TICK, my mind screamed. And before the thinking parts of my brain could begin the complex process of analysis, the more practical, but less complex group of cells in my brainstem that oversees things like breathing and ball scratching shot my right hand to my chest and plucked the crawly off as I vaulted out of bed and hit the light switch.

It was about this time my conscious bits were starting to put two and two together and my pupils were beginning to relax from their pin-hole contraction when I realized I was standing beside my bed, in my birthday suit, holding what felt like "nothing" between pinched thumb and forefinger, and wondering what had happened. Then the intercranial intercom began to crackle. "You were dreaming when a creapy, crawly, blood-sucking, many-legged scourge came house calling. You have it in your fingers. Look, stupid."

So I did - nothing. Nothing there. Was I imagining it? "Look more, Stupid." Ah, there it is. The little sleep-robbing fucker evaded my initial attempt at capture and was making a bee-line for safety across the now rumpled bed sheets. Die, fucker, die. I nailed his little ass and carried him into the bathroom where I tossed him into the cyclonic execution chamber and then pissed on him before pulling the trigger and sending him to certain death in the septic tank version of the River Styx.

So, there I was, still naked, now fully awake with twenty minutes left before my alarm was due to go off. No point in laying back down now that the primitive, leopard skin wearing caveman me had been invoked. No, better to just go off to make the coffee a little early and walk the dog. Damn ticks.

7 Comments:

Blogger Sister Spikey Mace said...

Only laughing a little at your pain...okay, I'm laughing a lot. That is the rudest of awakenings, I think. Unless you count my dog barfing next to my head last week.

10:23 AM, May 07, 2007  
Blogger lime said...

that is a fairly rude awakening. the little bastard met a well earned demise.

ok, forgive my evil nature but this cracks me up...mr. lime is terrified of spiders. we were visintg his brother in GA and he was sleeping on a couch and i had an air mattress on the floor next to the couch. he had fallen asleep with his arm up on the back of the couch and it fell asleep. when his arm dropped down onto his body he could nto feel his body but his body coudl feel his hand. he woke out of a dead sleep and jumped up screaming in horror about the 'huge spider' that had fallen on him. as he tore around the den i cowered hoping he'd not stomp on my head during his frantic attempts to escape the monster arachnid. when he flicked on the lights and a couple synapses fired he realized it was his deadened hand that was the 'spider.' it was then that i alternated between wanting to kill him and wanting to laugh my ass off.

4:45 PM, May 07, 2007  
Blogger jules said...

"cyclonic execution chamber" My new favorite term.

8:09 PM, May 07, 2007  
Blogger Cheesy said...

A moment of silence for Teddy Tick... Damn boy.. ticks in the house? I'll stay here lol. And where is our pic of Leopard wearin Caveman you huh?? hehehe
Bright side~~ you got extra face time with your coffee cup!

11:55 PM, May 07, 2007  
Blogger Sudiegirl said...

I understand your pain. Never had one on that part of my body, but others...

came here courtesy of Jules' site, and want to wish you luck...my dad also fought cancer for many years. it's a hard road, but i hope you're victorious.

Sudiegirl...

9:47 AM, May 08, 2007  
Blogger Beth said...

Wow. That's just. So. Well. Hysterical, actually. Although, I really hate waking up before my alarm clock goes off. Sorry about you.

2:29 PM, May 09, 2007  
Blogger Phaedrous said...

Thanks to everyone for the appropriately written condolences.

P.

PS Beth - eat me.

4:28 PM, May 09, 2007  

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