Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Toooot

That was the New Year "toot" from my imaginary horn. I spent my time welcoming in the new year with a peanut butter sandwich, a beer (three), and the 3rd installment of the Lord of the Rings saga. I got through disk 1 before the sandman whacked me over the head.

It was a pretty quiet night actually. No kids. No dog. No champagne and midnight kisses. My kids bailed as soon as we got home from our California trip. K off to her "par-tay's" and J to his aunt's for a sleep-over. The dog was still with her alternate family as we arrived home too late to go and get her. So, just me and Frodo, and as cute as he was, there was no romance there. Now, Arwyn...

The next morning was so wonderfully lazy. There was no one that I had to get up for. No breakfasts to make. No dogs to walk or feed. I just lay there, drifting in and out of sleep until the natural result of the previous night's beer processing forced me from under the warm and fuzzy sheets. The sun was shining and there was a fresh coating of snow everywhere. Beautiful.

Even though January one was a day just like any other day, it is difficult not to succumb to the reflection of the year past and a look forward at what might be. For those of you who have been following this ramble for a while, you will understand me when I say that it has been a time that I would not willingly repeat. Sometimes when people ask me how I am and I say fine, they get a bit of a funny look to them. The more honest will challenge me by saying, "Fine? You can't be fine," and they are right I suppose. Perhaps I simply feel "fine" compared to how I felt a short time back, but then, sometimes I do feel "fine."

I have found that I have a limited capacity for pain. I don't like feeling hurt and broken. I tend not to dwell on times past that were painful. I don't deny them or actively try to forget, but the hard spots fade in my memory as a self protective process, I think. Plus, I that I am becoming more adept at dealing with our day-to-day issues, which allows me to relax a bit more and not feel so helpless and defensive. Old dogs learning new tricks.

As to what comes next? Who knows. Certainly not me.

I don't do New Years resolutions just like I don't go to church once a week and hope that it will see me through the other six days. Every day is just a day. Some we get to celebrate for their uniqueness like my children's birthdays, some we wish we could rewrite and get a mulligan on. For me, each day is a fresh page that I can write on anew.

6 Comments:

Blogger lime said...

you know, this post put a big grin on my face. i'm glad you had such a lazily restful start to 2007. sounds quite nice. here's to a much better 2007 that sees us all doing just fine.

9:30 PM, January 02, 2007  
Blogger Cheesy said...

Sounds like you are healing bit by bit sweets... heres to a healthy happy new year!

11:11 PM, January 02, 2007  
Blogger Sister Spikey Mace of Desirable Mindfulness said...

You know, those are good friends who doubt your "fine"ness. Most of my so-called friends are terrified that I will say anything else. They desperately want me to be fine. They don't know what to do with, because sometimes I'm fine AND sad at the same time. Shades of gray don't play so well in Peoria, I guess.

11:25 PM, January 02, 2007  
Blogger Tiffanie said...

Phaedrous, Your post about SF on the other site brought me to tears. I am planning my first ever trip there in one month to see my brother. The things you've mentioned are some of the things I hope to do (the cable cars, Alcatraz, the scenic drive up the coast) Thanks for sharing that wonderful bit. It encouraged me deeply.

9:50 AM, January 04, 2007  
Blogger Leesa said...

"For me, each day is a fresh page that I can write on anew."

Wonderful :)

12:59 PM, January 07, 2007  
Blogger ghost said...

so. what did you write today?

3:15 PM, January 09, 2007  

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