Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Little Treasures

This is a duplicate of the post I just put up on Caring Bridge so apologies to those who read both.

I am frequently asked if I am working now, and I always hesitate before saying that “I think I’m retired.” I watch the expression that people get upon hearing this and it is always one of slight puzzlement, followed by one of questionable jealousy. Then there is always the unasked question of “Well, what do you DO all day?” It is never voiced, but clearly there.

I usually make something up because the truth is too shameful. It would be nice to say that I have taken up flying lessons, or am busy learning to Samba, or am writing my first novel, but the truth is actually that I wander around the house looking for things that I have misplaced. Sometimes I vary that by looking for things that C misplaced (or placed in places that I would not think to look). This is an entertaining pastime and occupies an amazing amount of time.

For instance, today I am looking for insurance information – both of the health variety and the home/auto kind. I know that C had a place where she kept these packets, both current and historical, but I am not sure exactly where. There are the fifty file boxes in the storage room full of old maps, canceled checks, phone numbers of people we don’t know anymore, but no folders entitled insurance.

One of the more interesting aspects of this current line of work is that there are many little diversions to be had as I come across bits and pieces of our family’s history as collected and filed by our favorite archivist. There are old expired tickets issued by museums whenever we bought family memberships, letters written, received, and filed, now yellow and brittle with age (who writes on paper any more?). Just today, I found my social security card filed under Miscellaneous in the pantry.

But the best thing I found this morning (right after the SS card) was a copy of “Application for Permission to Date My Daughter” as a two-page, stapled set that had with "Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter” on the back. These pages were printed up and presented to K several years back and provoked an entirely foreseeable though equally humorous (from a father’s point of view) response. I suppose that I have only myself to blame now when she does her best to NOT invite any dates into the house and avoids all chances for introductions.

That is why I have to refer to the few men in her life as Mr. X (I, II, and III). As I sat in the kitchen rereading this document for the first time in several years, I relived a moment that occurred during a time when things were different for us. It still makes me laugh, but then again, I do have a slightly twisted sense of humor, and a perverse one according to my lovely daughter.

So, here for your viewing pleasure is a copy of the application and the ten rules. Since these are available in multiple variations on the internet, I don’t think I am violating any copy write laws by presenting them here.

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor.

1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________

2. HEIGHT ______________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q _______ G.P.A.____________

3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________

4. BOY SCOUT RANK____________________________________________________

5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP __________

6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?______________________________
If No, EXPLAIN ______________________________________________________

7. Number of years your parents have been married ________________________________

8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______ A waterbed? _________
Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? _____________________
(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)

9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?______________________________

_______________________________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
_______________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? ______________________

_______________________________________________________________________
12. Church you attend _____________ How often do you attend ______________________


13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? ____

14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone-ever-I promise.)
a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is __________________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________________
c) A woman's place is in the _______________________________________________
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _____________________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is _______________________
( NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your
head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)

15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ____________________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.
________________________________________
Signature( That means sign your name)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your application is approved, automatic disqualification will result.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by
two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might want to watch your back).

Do you still want to date my daughter?:
_____ Yes, please accept my application
_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house...

Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

5 Comments:

Blogger Beth said...

My dad often succumbed to the "cleaning guns" thing. Poor guy...didn't prevent any of us 3 girls from getting hitched.

2:21 PM, November 14, 2006  
Blogger Lime said...

i love both of these. i editted the application and posted it several months ago.

my edit included:

please indicate which testicle will be held in collateral__________

is it shameful of me to have been proud that all 5'4" of me caused an 18 year old boy to nearly wet himself in terror when i recieved him to call upon the eldest limelette?

mwahahahaha

2:44 PM, November 14, 2006  
Blogger Sister Spikey Mace of Desirable Mindfulness said...

I was rollin'. Fortunately for my folks, unfortunately for me, I was such a nerd that I had no gentlemen callers in high school. By the time I met El Rey, they were thrilled that I wasn't going to move home with them and be a spinster, I think.

9:19 AM, November 15, 2006  
Blogger trixie said...

I love finding things that I don't expect to find. I found an old story that I was looking for a few months back, but I don't think I've ever found a contract for dating.

Then again, had my father ever found something like that and tried to use it for me, I would have laughed.

11:40 AM, November 15, 2006  
Blogger Cheesy said...

OMG you have to LOVE #4.. my dear one left me in charge of the dating years lol... he always did have great timing...

Make you a deal... your mission... should you decide to to accept it~~ is to find your dancing shoes so we can go learn the Samba!!!
giggling here... great paost!

11:19 PM, November 15, 2006  

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