Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Trying Times

This has been a hard two weeks.

Some of the details are in my other blog here.

Sometime between Sunday night when I went to bed, and Monday morning, when I woke up, I was hit by a flareup of gout. If you have had it, you know what it is like. If you have not, the simplest description I can think of is that it is like having a red-hot spike driven down through one of the major joints of you big toe. Why there, I don't know, but that is where it happens. Any kind of pressure, as light as the touch of your sheets at night, causes a level of discomfort that precludes sleep.

It seemed to be getting better until today. Today, I had a CT scan.

I have to sign off on a check list every time I do this. In times past, one of the things they asked about was gout. It was not on today's check list. Don't know why, but I do know that whatever I was injected with did not do me any favors there.

I hurt and I am tired. CT scans always tire me out. Something about receiving enough radiation to light up a mid-sized city for a night I guess. Plus, there is the wonderful barium drink that is the pre-CT scan cocktail. In the old days, they didn't diguise it. It was just an icky, white, thick sludge that I would have to drink every hour, on the hour for four hours preceeding the scan. Now it comes in "berry" and "banana" flavor. It is better if it is refridgerated.

Tomorrow I find out what all that radiation recorded. I have been doing this for twelve years and you would think I would have it down by now. I still dread it.

I am on the short list. I know that. One year, two, five - I don't know. But it is finite. That I know. I don't worry for myself so much. I think of my kids and what they have been through. They will have to go through more I am afraid.

I don't know that I will post this. I am whining and I hate that. I will think about it.

If I do post, it is because of some of the comments that have been left here. First, thank you. I read a lot of posts, but seldom comment. It is easier to skip from one vicarious sup to the next without leaving a footprint. To comment, one has to share - time, if nothing else - but I have been blessed with touches from people who really seem to care. Again, thank you.

As I go up in spirits, and down again, I tend to write when up. I hate whiners and don't want to be seen as one. Sometimes though, I am down. Should I write then? I don't know. Sometimes, it helps to order my thoughts enough to set them down in type. Sometimes, I just spew, unable to contain what is inside me.

Tonight, I am mostly sad. I am sad that two of the people whom I love most, have shared the last twenty some odd years of my life with, have chosen to act as they did. I am sad about how I acted as well. Now I face some delicate times. If I mis-step, I could create one of those family rifts that lives on long past the causal event. And how stupid all of this is.

If I believed in such, I would imagine my wife totally disgusted with the lot of us.


Blogger Cheesy said...

Oh hell ... you aren't whining you are VENTING.. totally dif! If you don't vent once in awhile you'll explode! And if you can't share both your ups and downs with friends,, hopefully you consider us all friends.. then who CAN you share with. If we didn't experience bad times... we would NEVER appreciate the wonderful times. I am so jazzed that all went well for you.. but so sorry about the toe..
Put your feet up and read some fun blogs!

9:46 PM, October 18, 2006  
Blogger Sister Spikey Mace of Desirable Mindfulness said...

What Cheesy said. You are going through very tough times, to put it mildly. You don't have to be a perfect Stoic. You can't vent to your kids, and you can't vent to your SILs. Where else? This is your space; you just graciously allow us to share it a bit.

Holding out for best possible news on the CT scan.

10:42 PM, October 18, 2006  
Blogger lime said...

sorry i missed this until thursday...i did recall that this was the time the CT was supposed to happen so amidst my own queasy belly rumblings i was thinking of you and chemo and side effects and CTs and hoping for the best for you.

share what you need to share. i'm like you and don't like to come across as whiny, but sometimes things spill out. sometimes the pressure valve needs a release. better a controlled relase here than an uncontrolled one in a situation that could be made worse by it.

still hoping for the family dynamics to settle in a positive manner...

7:50 AM, October 19, 2006  
Blogger BobCiz said...

Sometimes when you are feeling whiny and down that is the best time to write and share your feelings. Venting is good. We will listen.

2:02 PM, October 19, 2006  

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