Garbage

Some of you expressed a desire to know how I have been feeling.

Right now, I feel like that heavy, sloshy thing that you might see at the bottom of an extra-heavy-duty garbage bag hoisted (barely) out of the can when a housekeeping staffer is emptying the garbage containers at the State Fair and you wonder with rapt fascination if it will burst as he swings it up into the truck, spraying all those cheese curd eating fairgoers holding onto their screaming, cotton-candy covered kids, with essence of eau-du-deep-fry. In a word, I feel like crap.

I went in to the clinic yesterday for an unscheduled visit because of a pain in my neck (no, not the kids). I had no fever. My blood counts were good considering the chemo I am doing tends to do a number on them. My white counts were down, but not be much. My throat looked good, as did my ears. My neck was quite sore though and has been since sometime early Tuesday morning. I remember tossing and turning with pain in my dreams.

My onc thinks maybe I have an infected salivary gland. The positioning is right and he said that they can be quite painful if they get infected. He gave me a prescription and sent me home. I am scheduled to see him Monday to begin the next round of injections.

So this morning, I have one dose of the antibiotic in me from last night and will take another as soon as I finish this post. I can’t tell if I am coming down with a cold or not in addition to the neck pain. I hope not. I haven’t been sick in three years (if you don’t count this little cancer thing). Getting sick while doing Fludara is a real pain because it takes forever to get rid of it and you are open to all kinds of secondary infections. So I am feeling lousy right now.

The last time I did this ten years ago, I had someone to take care of me when I got like this. I would crawl into my little hole and do my hermit thing knowing that someone was out there taking care of the kids, paying the bills, cooking the meals, being a mom (for everyone). Now, I have to do this on my own and it makes it feel so much harder.

Before you all jump up and volunteer to come over with chicken soup and lasagna, let me say that my last statement about “doing it alone” is both true and false. I know that I have all kinds of support out there, for which I am extremely grateful. I depend on you guys.

Having said that, it is not the same as having a life’s partner next to you whom you know so well and who knows you in all your fine and not so fine ways. I miss that more than I can adequately express, and when I feel down, I miss it more. So, today, I am whiney, slimy, and not feeling very good. Hopefully that will change as the day goes on.

P.