Alone

I think the loneliness is the hardest part, especially at night. The kids have not been around much. Both were away for a week earlier this month and now J has been gone all this week. K might as well be gone – I don’t see her much.

People have said, “Stay busy, don’t sit around alone, and don’t drink too much.” Good advice, but not very practical. Folks were very good about coming over and helping with meals just before, and just after C died, but that has stopped and I am fine with that. One can only take so much of that intensity.

But what does one do after that? Living in the woods has many fine qualities, but being able to step out one’s door and walk the streets looking at life happening is not one of them. I have been stopping in to C’s old restaurant a couple of times a week to sit at the bar and have a glass of good red wine and perhaps a sandwich or salad, and that is nice, but still a pretty solitary thing.

I don’t know what I am looking for. Perhaps it is just the sound of others living their lives. I feel like a ghost myself. C’s death took part of me with her you see. Half here, half gone, unable to claim either state.

I suppose this is all a part of the grieving process. I have read some on that and I am exhibiting many of the signs: nervous energy, difficulty sleeping, reduced mental acuity, absent-mindedness. A hell of a thing.

I am trying to make plans that will force me to organize and function, but it seems just too difficult at times. My kitchen table is half covered with piles of documents related to C’s estate and the ever present medical bills. I keep telling myself that I need to get organized and file all of these things so that I can find them when I need them, but no adequate system presents itself to me, so they sit where they are now. This means no dinner parties in the near future.

Please don’t take all of this as whining, or a plea for help. I know that help is out there at the asking. This is more an attempt to document my state of mind as I go through the myriad phases of grief and healing (hopefully). I know that there are a million self-help books out there, and peer groups, and professional therapists who are available, but that is not my way – at least not yet.