Wednesday, June 07, 2006


C was always a list maker. She kept little notebooks laying around that she would jot things down in for later retrieval. Today, while in our closet rummaging around for a box of “thank you” cards, I came across one of those notebooks.

It is of the 5x7 format and is well used. The cover is worn and dog-eared, as though it had been in and out of purses, carry bags, and briefcases. Most of the entries are undated, though some are identifiable from their context. The entries are a real mixed bag of C’s stream of consciousness, her fixation with financial recording, notes on gardening and landscaping, dinner planning, recipes, and for some reason, the lyrics to Amazing Grace.

I stood there in the dim shadows of the closet, slowly leafing through this most intimate remainder of my love’s interests and thoughts when I came across this undated entry:

end of the treatment

John – what are you going to do with the rest of your life

trip – eat fried shrimp by the ocean

we made it happen

fulfilling my dream

“Make a Wish”

thanks to Mary – group

more beautiful than I could imagine

Collecting sayings about death/wishes

  • outlive your memories of doing stupid things
  • forget about learning tricky grammar rules – lay/lie
  • live each day as if it’s your last
    • can’t: be happy every day

The last line looks a little shakier than the rest, as though it was added later when she was frailer. Or perhaps it was emotion that overcame her.

All I know is that she was always surprising me. That was one of the secrets to our love – that there was always something around the next corner that could surprise and amaze. Maybe she left me these little things just for that purpose. She was like that.



Blogger lime said...

i hope every little surprise you continue to find feels like a hug from her.

also, i've been reading your letters to her. i don't comment because it feels like it would be an intrusion. just wanted you to know there's a fly on the wall.

8:54 AM, June 10, 2006  
Blogger The Kept Woman said...

I love picturing you finding this and being able to connect even when she's not physically with you...

10:09 AM, June 13, 2006  

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