Day Two

When I look at my last posting, I have a hard time thinking of replacing it. It describes a pivotal moment in my life, the lives of my children, and a time when the world changed for everyone who knew C. I have such conflicting feelings right now. Part of me wants to hold everything that was C close to my chest and never let go. Part of me recognizes that letting go is probably the healthiest thing I can do. I, and my children, have to find a new way, a new life, a new arrangement. We no longer will be four at the dinner table.

I find myself exhausted but unable to fully rest. I wander through the house picking things up and putting them down. I clean up out of habit. I can’t concentrate. I trust all of this is normal after going through the experiences of the last few days and that I will slowly return to a better functioning level.

Everyone around me has been super. Relatives have come to the house every day and prepared food. I feel like I am sleepwalking and that people are tenderly moving objects out of my way so that I don’t hurt myself. Even my children are taking extra care with me. That alone tells me that I must present a sorry sight.

Thanks to all who have left a comment about C. She clearly touched many lives and her memory will live on in those who knew her.

I will go now because my eyes are “juicy” – a term that K coined when she was about three.

Peace,

Phaedrous