I Hate this Shit

I just erased a paragraph of whining.

I am having a hard day. It feels like things are crumbling. I am feeling inadequate as a parent. The mechanical things we have grown to depend on are breaking. My children don’t want to spend any time at home. I miss C so.

It was so much easier with two of us, though it was a long time ago that she was really able to do much. Even so, just having her with me was enough to ease the burden.

I feel horrible like this. I know that it is only a bit of depression and loneliness, but that does not make it go away.

Tonight, J and I went out and bought a new DVD player for the family room. Sometime last week, the sound stopped working and this was the main venue for the kids to watch DVD movies. We have another one, but it is in my bedroom which is not good for them.

I hoped that it was the DVD player, but it appears to be something with the audio/visual receiver that runs the whole show. We still get sound from the VCR, but the digital audio channel appears to have bit the dust. The look in J’s eyes when I couldn’t fix it was so painful. Now he is in his room again and I feel like I have failed him.

I don’t know. It just feels like my world is disintegrating. I don’t feel like I am making a good home for either K or J. I don’t feel like I am able to provide good meals and create that sense of family that C did.

The next two weeks are going to be trying. K is off to Oregon on Saturday for a family reunion and J is going off with P and D for a long weekend at a family cabin. I hoped to go to Duluth with J after that, but I don’t know if I will be able to with my car exhibiting strange behavior.

I am hoping that I can turn this around.

P.