Morning (or mourning)

Dear Friends,

Thank you to all who wrote, emailed, or called to check on me. I thought about taking my last post down, but in the end, decided to leave it there even though a I hate to be the person who is illuminated by those words.

The reason I decided to leave it up was that it was true. All of the fears and concerns I mentioned are real even if they were expressed by a tired and depressed man in the throes of loneliness. It sometimes is hard at night.

Now, at mid-day with the birds singing and the sun shining down, it is easier to put on a happy face and get through the day. When the sun goes down however, things are different.

Many have counseled me on what I can expect and what I should do to avoid pitfalls. All of it was (is) good advice and I am trying to take it to heart.

Sometimes I think it would be easier if I were more of a “joiner.” I have never been one to surround myself with friends or associates. I was always one to stay on the outside looking in. I am a habitual people watcher and can find lots of entertainment sitting in a crowd, but not part of it.

Before I met C, I was a loner. For the last twenty years, I have been one half of a whole. Now, I am only a half. I will have to learn all over again how to be alone and functional.

Of course, I am not really alone because K and J are also part of “me,” but they are at a point in their lives when they are starting to explore their individuality, and in the case of K, there is mobility to go with it. Plus, they don’t want to be around a mope and I don’t blame them. But when they are gone, I feel even emptier.

I suspect holidays are going to be harder to get through than the average day. Both K and J will be gone for part, or all, of this one. I had hoped to get some mechanical work done on my two sick vehicles, but it remains to be seen how much gets accomplished.

Again, thank you to all who are out there. I will get through this, it just won’t be pretty.

P.