Thursday, June 29, 2006

Morning (or mourning)

Dear Friends,

Thank you to all who wrote, emailed, or called to check on me. I thought about taking my last post down, but in the end, decided to leave it there even though a I hate to be the person who is illuminated by those words.

The reason I decided to leave it up was that it was true. All of the fears and concerns I mentioned are real even if they were expressed by a tired and depressed man in the throes of loneliness. It sometimes is hard at night.

Now, at mid-day with the birds singing and the sun shining down, it is easier to put on a happy face and get through the day. When the sun goes down however, things are different.

Many have counseled me on what I can expect and what I should do to avoid pitfalls. All of it was (is) good advice and I am trying to take it to heart.

Sometimes I think it would be easier if I were more of a “joiner.” I have never been one to surround myself with friends or associates. I was always one to stay on the outside looking in. I am a habitual people watcher and can find lots of entertainment sitting in a crowd, but not part of it.

Before I met C, I was a loner. For the last twenty years, I have been one half of a whole. Now, I am only a half. I will have to learn all over again how to be alone and functional.

Of course, I am not really alone because K and J are also part of “me,” but they are at a point in their lives when they are starting to explore their individuality, and in the case of K, there is mobility to go with it. Plus, they don’t want to be around a mope and I don’t blame them. But when they are gone, I feel even emptier.

I suspect holidays are going to be harder to get through than the average day. Both K and J will be gone for part, or all, of this one. I had hoped to get some mechanical work done on my two sick vehicles, but it remains to be seen how much gets accomplished.

Again, thank you to all who are out there. I will get through this, it just won’t be pretty.



Blogger Sheri said...

you don't me, and i don't you, but in this small world called the internet I have found your blog.
hugs and if it's ok with you- prayers, for you and your children.

8:31 PM, June 29, 2006  
Blogger T-girl said...

I just "found" you also! All I can tell you is that I know how hard it is to lose someone you love, but to lose your other half is a double blow in someways, you lose your compainion and best-freind! For me personally at night is the hardest time for anything, that is when you are "alone with your thoughts" and you have the quiet to "dwell" on things! It also would be the most evident of your lose I imagine! Does my telling this make you feel better? Probably not but I hope it can give you some comfort knowing that someone out there in the wild blue yonder can empathize. All I can say is try to find comfort in K and J, I imagine it is hard on them also. It is never easy to lose a parent and it may be they don't know HOW to help you because they can not help themselves right now!!

As one loner to another, I wish you peace, and I wish you healing! I will keep you and your family in my thoughts in this hard time!
Hugs, T (the babbler! LOL)

12:52 AM, June 30, 2006  
Blogger Sister Spikey Mace of Desirable Mindfulness said...

What can one say in the face of all this that would mean anything? You and your family will be in my heart and my head. Hugs to you all.

2:08 AM, June 30, 2006  
Blogger Bob-kat said...

I just found your blog as well. I don't know what to say as words can be so thin especially as you don't know me. I know a little of what you are feeling though my troubles are of a lesser scale than yours. You are in my thoughts.

6:54 AM, June 30, 2006  
Blogger lime said...

i've heard from more than one person who has lost a spouse that night time is the worst. so it would seem you are normal. the process is yours, it doesn't have to be pretty. like gypsy from yesterday....every day you get out of bed and function is a level of victory. more will come later.

12:57 PM, June 30, 2006  
Blogger Terri said...

Being a recent visitor to your blog (today), thanks to Crystal, for what it's worth, there are people out here who's thoughts and prayers are with you and your children. My father always told me "Tough times don't last, tough people do".

1:24 PM, June 30, 2006  
Blogger Ace said...

Being a recent visitor to your blog (today), thanks to Crystal...

I read your story top to bottom, and I really don't have any comforting words, though not for lack of wishing. You spoke often of your wife's strength, and I can see that in you, too, just reading what you've written. Don't sell yourself short.

Be strong. Love your children. And know a person you don't even know is thinking of you. I hope that eases your pain in some small way.

9:05 PM, June 30, 2006  
Blogger BobCiz said...

I also found you through Chrystal. I wish I knew all the right words to say to make everything better for you, but mere words seem so lacking in any kind of healing power. We all at some time in our lives will suffer a loss that is devestating to us, and when it happens in my life I hope I will be able to face it with the kind of courage you are showing. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

9:19 PM, June 30, 2006  

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