High Anxiety

(this is the same post that I put up on my CB site)

It is Sunday morning. K has already left for an all day babysitting job. J is still sleeping. The dog is snoring at my feet.

I had an anxiety dream this morning. You know the one’s I mean. You hit a panic spot because you realize that the big test is coming up and you forgot to study, or you have to be at a job interview for a new and very important position and you arrive at the wrong building and don’t know where the right one is.

My dream was about a play. I had a major role and had arrived for makeup on opening night. As I sat down in my chair, I realized I had not memorized my lines – I knew none of them. As I scrambled to find someone else’s copy of the script, I knew that I had no chance of memorizing my part in the time left. I panicked…..and woke up.

Ever since, I have been trying to figure out just what I am so anxious about. There is more than enough material to choose from.

Christmas is coming, meaning that lists have to be made or added on to. Things have to be done and crossed off those lists. Expectations are high and the rope that needs to be walked is very thin and stretched over an emotional pit of darkness. Missteps could cause so much pain.

Changes in our social/familial landscape add to the sense of unease. I feel like a Tolkienian character moving through that endless dead swamp toward a goal that looms both too close and too far away. A carelessly placed foot could mean a plunge into some haunted and surreal depth.

Then there are the two lumps at the top of my thighs. I saw my oncologist on Friday for a regularly scheduled checkup and my blood pressure was pretty high. The nurse asked me if this was normal and I just told her that I was very anxious about the appointment.

My oncologist, now an old and trusted friend, listened to me, examined me, and then said that lymph nodes swell for many reasons. These may be enlarged because of my recent issues with gout (see the journal history for more on that) which has affected both of my lower extremities over that last two months. They could be swollen due to exposure to a virus. Or, my lymphoma could be back.

The first step will be to do another CT scan next week. Depending on what that shows, a biopsy may be necessary.

Strangely, I left the doctor’s office feeling better. I hadn’t thought of the gout. Still, these little telltales make for disturbing thoughts and I spent the last three days of last week gripped by a level of anxiety that is unusual for me. I am sure that I radiated weird rays to those who came near to me. Perhaps my children are immune from my weirdness by now, for they seem to be doing pretty well, but others close to me knew something was up even though I did not want to share until I knew more.

So, today, maybe J and I can cross a few more things off our lists. I hope so, but I know that even if we do, there will be more items to put down. This is especially true of J, who has taken to “beaming” his wish lists to me using the Palm that belonged to his mother. He is completely taken with it, as he is will all technological gadgets. Upon receiving it a couple of weeks ago, he quickly surpassed me in knowledge of its workings.

Now, every time I turn mine on, I am likely to find a refreshed list of all the things my son wishes for, neatly organized by category, and in appropriate fonts. He is trying to make my life easier (and perhaps he is succeeding).

I will add more as I know it.