Friday, February 22, 2008


I am back home finally. I have two holes punched in my back about where those cute dimples would be if I were female. I also have a defoliated front thanks to a somewhat over zealous prep tech, festooned with a very ugly purplish splotch with a smallish incision at its center. All of them hurt. I think.

The pain meds are confusing things a little.

I won't know the results of the biopsies until sometime next week and I will share them with you when I learn them.

I have to say that this particular period is proving to be difficult for me. Throughout this whole struggle, I have known the importance of keeping a positive attitude and believe that overall, I have been able to do that. This is a challenging time however. I have run through almost all of the available treatment options and am now forced to turn to unproven drugs by participating in Phase II studies. To do so, I will have to spend time away from my family on a periodic basis and travel to another city where the studies are being conducted.

If this were the only thing making my life a jumble it would not be so bad. In the past, I had a strong and capable partner who would watch over the children if I had to be away and who organized our family life in a way that was healthy and productive. That resource is now gone and my children have only me to count on (in an immediate way - there are loving relatives that are there to help, but they are hours away).

Then, there is the "move." This entails selling a house, buying a house, renovating a house, securing funding for same, packing, moving, changing lives. This at a time when I do not know what my health status will be in the near future. It is a hard time to keep a positive frame of reference.

Then there is the itching. There are times when I feel like tearing my skin off and throwing it in the corner. It has stopped being a friendly skin. It is currently an enemy. I keep hoping that a corner has been turned in this particular battle, that the itch factor will dial itself down a notch, but so far, I don't know. I do know that this is a perfect time to practice the zen of self control and of compartmentalization. Unfortunately, I am not particularly looking for a zen moment here. I would happily settle for something less ethereal - more of a "bud lite" kind of existence.

Well, enough whining for now. I am happy to be home. It's easier to complain here though there is no one to listen other than Sophie the Wonder Dawg and she would make it better if she could. Instead she simply curls up, goes to sleep and snores. Maybe she is sending me a message.


Blogger Kristie said...

No joy with the magic unguent for your scabies, huh? :( I'm sorry.

I wish there were something more I could do to yank some of the rocks out of your current path. You have always sought the higher ground and the bright side, from my perspective in our internet acquaintance, despite many difficult and heart-breaking challenges, and from that I have drawn inspiration and strength. Now that I am stronger, I send them back to you with my gratitude, and maybe they'll help you along.

Rooting for you, P, as always.

7:48 PM, February 22, 2008  
Blogger lime said...

you know i am not in any way making all the other issues to be lightweight, but constant itching truly is a maddening thing and that all by itself is enough to make the zen moments impossible to achieve.

you complain to us all you need. we're hear to listen and hold you up when you need it.

8:11 PM, February 22, 2008  
Blogger Cheesy said...

Play footzies with the wonder dawg.. and tell us how your visit with moose went! Write and share your woes to the max kiddo... keep those fingers typing and the hands will be too busy to scratch!

8:21 AM, February 23, 2008  
Blogger Kaye said...

P, I'm a 'new reader',,,,,, actually I found your blog and was blown away by your strength and intelligent. I, then, had to go back and read EVERYTHING. Again, I coudn't be more impressed. I am very intuitive and I believe in you P (without even knowing you personally). I will pray for you and yours daily. Kaye
p.s. Are you still scratching because of the 'freeloaders'???

1:12 PM, February 25, 2008  

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