Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Roto Router

Well, it's official, I need someone to go up my nose with power tools and high powered explosives and vacuums to clean up the mess that I have been carefully nurturing for the last eight months. This news came hard for me as I have come to love the several billion bacteria that call my sinuses home. What are they going to do? Where will they go? There's too much homelessness as it is and now my head has fallen victim to the rampant "Throw the Bastards Out" mentality that is pervasive in our selfish society of today. It's a heartless action if you ask me.

So, I've been thinking about it and as long as I am going to be out for the procedure, I might as well have a few more things cleaned up - like a vasectomy and maybe a toe amputation. Maybe they could re break my nose and get rid of that oh so slight twist that I have had since 1970. And now that I think of it, there are a few other cosmetic touch ups that could be done. How about a few hair plugs and a dye job, a tightening of the jowls, a silicon six pack injected into the abs, and a body wax.

I mean once you are out, why not go ALL out? It only makes sense. Just think of the economic stimulus benefits that would be created by all of this work. Why it's enough to send a surgeon's kid to at least two years of college. Maybe I could get a Presidential Commendation from Washington. Who knows?

There will be downsides to be sure. I'll have to stop pouring entire bottles of hot sauce on my eggs and pasta just to blast a sensation of taste past all of the gunk currently masking my taste/smell receptors. I will once again be able to smell my own farts (this one benefit almost makes inoperable sinuses worth it). And my voice will return to its "normal" tone rather than the "bottom of the well" pitch that has been my bane now for months. Who knows, I may be able to sing again.

One pitfall that may take a turn for the worse is my relatively new relationship with a wonderful woman who has known me only six months. I have been sick with this sinus infection every day of our time spent together. What if it is my nasal voice that she truly loves? Will my attempt to regain my health torpedo this young love? Stay tuned.


Blogger lime said...

my sinuses winced in sympathy. can sinuses wince? i dunno. just tell the surgeon whose kid you are sending to school to stop before he hits brain.

oh, and if your new sweetie is put off by the lack of a nasal voice we could get you some real spiffy nose plugs.

9:14 PM, April 29, 2009  
Blogger Kristie said...

Good luck, P. That doesn't sound like any fun at all. I'm impressed that you've kept your sense of humor these 8 months, and kept your DIYer tendencies at bay in this instance. I start begging for decapitation after 2 weeks of that crap.

9:19 PM, April 29, 2009  
Blogger Cheesy said...

How about a boob job too??
Feel better dear~

1:13 PM, May 03, 2009  

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