Saturday, February 10, 2007


I have a theory. Everyone knows that many men (and some women) lose some or all of their hair up on top as they get older. Now, prevailing opinion is that the follicles get tired, retire, and move south to bask in the sun somewhere. I don’t think that’s true.

I think that they are still there, but reversed. Just think about it. This could explain a lot of otherwise puzzling things. If for some reason, your hair follicles did the ole 180 and started growing “down,” mysteries like rampant nose hair, furry ears, and bad eyes become no brainers.

Come to think of it, you could add stupidity, deafness, and a predilection for watching football until paralyzed on the couch to the list. Why this hasn’t been discovered already is beyond me.

Imagine thousands of strands of hair growing down, through the brainpan, invading the centers of logic, pushing aside millions of functional and hard working neurons, in the primitive search for light and air. Naturally, the closest and most obvious routes are out the nose and ears. So simple.

Along the way, these marauding strands insinuate themselves between and around any organ that stands in their way, much the way simple blades of grass push their way through the strongest concrete, and over time, turn it to dust. Same thing with a man’s optic nerves, ear components and parts of the brain charged with the higher functions.

What makes the follicles turn tail and head in the other direction is still unknown. Perhaps it is the loss of testosterone. As man’s hormonal output decreases over time, perhaps areas of the brain begin to shrink, creating small pockets of vacuum that suck the strands of hair inward.

Or, it might be that the reverse is true and that some hair follicles go “rogue” and begin to feed off the pools of testosterone that permeate the male brain, sending “roots” down into the food source, consuming the host’s vital resources. No one knows for sure.


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