Notes from a New Machine

I have not posted in a while because I have been trying to deal with the ups and downs of my emotional landscape and just as if I had been traveling on foot over such hilly terrain carrying a heavy load, I find myself exhausted and unable to raise the energy to write.

Now, before you get all worried, let me say that I do feel that this is a pretty normal situation to be in given all that has transpired over the last year. I am paying attention to it and am making use of professional resources to help me find my way forward. I also want to let you know how much I appreciate the calls, the cards, the emails, and the comments that you have sent my way. It is very humbling to find oneself the recipient of such attention. Thank you all.

When I wrote the last post, I was feeling overwhelmed by all of the issues in front of me. It was like an alignment of the planets that happens every once in a while. Normally, I am mostly concerned with one or two things that I have to focus on or try to learn a new skill in order to manage the task. But occasionally, the whole line-up empties out of the dugout and converges on me at once and I fall prey to dark thoughts.

I don’t think that life has gotten any harder, it is just that my emotional immune system has weakened and I am more susceptible to illness. Part of me understands this and knows that it will not always be this way, I will recover to some degree and feel robust enough to rejoin the mainstream. I will never be as I was, but that is also part of life. Life’s events change us. We grow. We sometimes get wounded. Some recover. Some do not. Eventually, we all have some scars and reminders of things encountered along the road. In my case, my path has taken me into a strange, dangerous, and dark land that I am not familiar with. There are demons and dragons that must be overcome for going back is not an option.

Lest I paint a picture that appears all dark and muted colors in your eyes, let me assure you that it is not so bleak. There are many instances of sunbeams and beautiful flowers along the way as well. You are all part of that “lightness” that finds me unexpectedly. My children continue to amaze me with their resiliency and increasing responsibility. What a marvel it is to watch someone grow.

Another reason I have not written in a bit is because we took a trip to visit family up north last weekend. J and I went, but K stayed home alone because she had to work. That was a first for us. I have to admit that I find it difficult sometimes to accept the fact that my children are growing and need to have space in their lives to make decisions on their own and live with the consequences. I don’t know who I worry more for – them or me. Still, K had her first experience with being home alone and to all appearances, did fine.

J and I spent a very cold weekend in Duluth where the air temps got down into the mid-twenties BELOW zero (F) with wind-chill factors easily twice as low. Overall though, it was a nice visit.

I needed to go see my father who recently entered an assisted care facility. This was a visit I was not looking forward to. It is very hard for me to see the man my father has become. This is a subject for another post. Let me just say that I am glad that I saw him and he saw me. We visited for a while before he fell asleep in his chair. I left him there, in whatever land he now resides, to go back out into the bitter and biting cold of my world.

Another reason for procrastination on posting is the arrival of a new electronic treat. I finally bought a laptop and after nearly twenty-five years of PC based computers, I bought a Mac. In part to learn a new system - in part to please my son who had been relentlessly hounding me to buy one. I must say it is a beautiful machine that enchants the eye in every way. It is like getting into a wonderfully designed exotic sports car after driving Ford’s and Chevy’s (not to disparage either marque – I have driven my share of both and have great respect for them), where the glove leather of the upholstery wraps around you in a sensual embrace, the wheel and the shift lever fall exactly in the right way in your hands, and the performance leaves you breathless.

I would have used it sooner to craft this little piece, but I couldn’t peel my son off of it. I set up a small table in my bedroom where it normally resides now, and I have found an unexpected benefit in that I am suddenly seeing much more of him. Whereas he used to come home from school and disappear into his room, coming out only for food or a random TV show, he now camps out in my bedroom, begging time on the new laptop, and occasionally convincing me he just has to take it down to his room to do his homework. Ah, life in the new age.

Well, I will leave you with that. Today, I make bread. Tomorrow is cleaning day and also preparing to host my brother for a night or two before he flies back to Manhattan. I will try to post more frequently (I know, I’ve said that before).