Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Freedom Denied

I thought that freedom might be mine after having a fever free night, alas, Dr. Lung #2 (not to be confused the the charles addams Dr. Lung #1) came in to say that yesterday's bronchoscopy didn't show any sign of lung cancer, migrating lymphoma, hefalumps, or any other stuff like that. What they did find was good old common asshole bugs like staph and strep. The problem is that they are proving resistant to the course of action we are taking against them. Sounds like we will give it one more day and then try other things - like shoving hospital food down my windpipe.

I bet they would be gone with the first application of fruit compote delight. This stuff is totally toxic. Even the staff admits it as most of them do bag lunches. I actually ate one "thing" after two days with no solid food. That was the last thing though. Last night, my GF smuggled in some Thai spring rolls with wonderful peanut sauce.

I always amazes me that organizations in business to heal continue to poison their clientele daily. This morning, I received my toxic tray while I was waiting for the aforementioned GF who was bringing fresh brewed coffee. I looked at the suspiciously yellow scrambled eggs, the toast from 2000 BC, the orange juice that was squeegeed off the processing floor, and the inevitable mug of coffee. The only thing I could stomach was the OJ and a fork full of adequately chilled eggs. Not seeing GF yet, I uncorked the coffee and took a slug.

Now for a group that couldn't deliver hot food if the world depended on had somehow, just this once this morning, delivered a substance that had been scraped directly from the surface of the sun. My mouth parts were immediately paralyzed, allowing the remainder of the hot acid to work it's way slowly down my throat. I sat in horror as steam and noxious vapors issued forth in front of my eyes, or as much of that as could be seen due to the blinding jets of tears that shot from my eyes a moment before.

Time froze while I pondered my options and took action. My hand shot out, grasped the pitcher of shaved ice and water, and hurled it at my face and gaping mouth. Dear Reader, this is a place where it should be recorded that my plan of action worked as inspired, but I must confess that I did not consider all of the possible outcomes of my actions. Instead of quenching the fire burning within me, the contents of the pitcher made a slightly lower landing which introduced a whole separate set of options for me to consider.

All of this before breakfast. Things had to get better.

The news of the day consisted of the above lung-look, getting unhooked from my IV pump (lost the morphine drip however), allowing me to walk these hallowed halls without trailing a steel shadow. This cause for celebration and I set off with my current adult visitor to explore (slowly, very slowly) the hospital. Little did we know there would be hell to pay.

More tomorrow....

3 Comments:

Blogger Cheesy said...

Dude seriously come here! Our hospital food is the bomb! And being in the PNW the coffee is greattttt lol.. sorry for the woes thank the stars GF is keeping you in peanut sauce... Hey that COULD be fun!

9:30 PM, June 02, 2009  
Blogger Kristie said...

Oh goodness. Thank dog for the GF, or you'd waste away to nothing in there. I hope they set you free soon.

Did you consider snorting the coffee? I should think it would burn out all those nasty bugs!

12:08 AM, June 03, 2009  
Blogger lime said...

oh gawd, phaed...i get knocked on the head and am slow coming around to visit and i find this! i am glad you're well enough to be giving them hell and glad the GF is a help in the maintenance of sanity as well as providing digestible food. please get well. don't make me come there and start cracking other people's skulls.

2:55 PM, June 03, 2009  

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