Tuesday, June 03, 2008

MRI-sable

I had forgotten what it was like. I had one about eight years ago, but it was once again time for an MRI of my neck.

I have a pinched nerve in my neck - have had for some time. Eight years ago it was diagnosed but was successfully treated with physical therapy. About eight months ago (hey, what's with all the eights?), I started getting symptoms again. I would get a "dead, tingly" left arm when I slept. It usually went away upon getting up, but there were times when it did not.

Now, the tingly's have been replaced by pain in my middle finger and thumb, combined with restricted movement and weakness. Time to try to figure out what's going on. Hence the MRI.

The best way to describe what I experienced tonight was having my head put in a vice, a snug collar put down over my neck, earplugs put in my ears, and then being stuffed into a narrow pipe for thirty minutes while sadistic midgets danced around assaulting the pipe with jack-hammers. It did wonders for the headache I had. But this was the easy part.

Next I get to go to the "green beret torture chamber" where a grounding anklet will be put around my leg and then various voltages passed through my body via those cute little beaded bracelets you see in some grainy black and white photos of torture in the jungle, or mountains of the middle east. Take your pick.

Having done this once before, I can't believe I have signed up for it again. When the tech throws the switch, your arm starts thrashing around with all of the muscles spasming in an orgasm of pain. It's been said that there is a thin line between agony and ecstasy, but I can tell you now, there is nothing remotely ecstatic about this. And that's the easy part.

After confessing to every sin available, they take off the beaded bracelet and pick up a tray of needles which they insert into specific muscles in your arm and attach the electrode to the end of the needle that is not embedded in your flesh. Then Igor cranks it up. It's a good thing you are strapped down because otherwise you would rise out of the chair by the helicopter effect of your spastic arm until the electrode pulled loose and then you would murder the tech.

In the little brochure they hand out explaining this procedure, this is where they tell you that you might experience "mild discomfort." That little bit of lit must have been penned by one of the PR slugs that got fired from writing of the wonders of Abu Ghraib as a tourist destination.

I can't wait.

OK, enough complaining. It's worth it if we can figure out what's going on and (outside chance) come up with a solution.

Besides that, I made Batch 1 of pulled pork for my daughter's grad party today. It was very good but a bit on the spicy side. We will have to put a warning label on it or face lawsuits like the McDonald's crotch burn episode. I think I will have to make at least two more batches and I'll tone it down a bit on 2 and 3.

It's late now and I have to get up early to get my one remaining student up and out the door to school. The girl has totally checked out and got so bored today that she volunteered for thistle pulling duty. Better get her set up with a shrink appointment.

More later.

7 Comments:

Blogger lime said...

oh good gravy, i have done the MRI thing AND the nerve study. you have described them and the homicidal motivations they induce so perfectly. After the nerve study I needed copious amounts of chocolate and alcohol to calm myself. I wish I lived close enough to come over when you were done and help you get sloshed enough to relax when it's done. I hope you get some reasonable answers to plan an effective remedy for the pinched nerve.

7:20 AM, June 04, 2008  
Blogger Kristie said...

I've done the nerve study; I didn't think it was too painful, but it was highly disconcerting, both in the involuntary twitching and the size of the needles.

10:54 AM, June 04, 2008  
Blogger Cheesy said...

"Now, the tingly's have been replaced by pain in my middle finger and thumb" ~~~ um
Ease up on the masterbation hun....

:o)

9:45 PM, June 04, 2008  
Blogger Crystal said...

Tag, sweety! I'm resorting to meme's and you're it over at my blog.

12:13 PM, June 05, 2008  
Blogger Sassenach said...

I've had the needle and electroshock test. I confessed, too.

And they still haven't figured it out....

8:55 PM, June 05, 2008  
Blogger Moosekahl said...

Pulled pork is one of my absolute favorites! I have a friend that makes this awesome horseradish dip to go with it. Perfection!

2:54 PM, June 08, 2008  
Blogger Phaedrous said...

Ooouuu, horseradish sauce sounds great. Grab the recipe and come up. Party's on Friday, 4-9.

P.

3:51 PM, June 08, 2008  

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