Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Thoughts and Worries

To all who check in on this blog and drop a comment from time to time, I appreciate it. This is my "private" space to talk about what it is like to live with cancer and what it is like to watch it eat the love of my life in a slow but unstoppable fashion.

I maintain a more public website on the CaringBridge network, but I won't publish it's location here because it is "too" public and readily identifies us. So, you will have to put up with me here in my infrequent visits.

I think about posting here more than I actually do. Some of that is due to not wanting to sound like a whiner when things are weighing me down. Some of it is due to being in the wrong place at the right time - like driving down the freeway composing a post in my head. It comes together nicely, but when I finally get home and find the time to sit down at the old puter, it is no longer there.

One of the things that has been running around my mind of late is my own condition. I have mostly written about C and her day to day issues, but I am running on borrowed time as well, just not as critically. I have a CT scan coming up this Monday to see if the last round of chemo did any good. I have grown lackadaisical about all of this in the past few years because my responses to this chemo program have been so positive that I virtually forget that I have a fatal form of Non Hodgkins Lymphoma, but this will not go on forever.

Whenever I come up on one of these CT scans and the subsequent doctor's visit, I get antsy with apprehension. Will this be the time the shoe drops and I get the news that the chemo didn't do it's thing this time? I start feeling myself for swollen lymph nodes and sometimes find something that may be one (or may not) and then I find myself touching that spot over and over again to see if it still feels like trouble.

What will happen to my children if both of their parents die before they finish high school? Who will take them in? What will thier lives be like? These are the thoughts that fill my head as I lie awake at night before the sandman comes.

So, no HNT picture today, just some naked thoughts.


Blogger Frankie said...

WOW thats alot to take in. I wish you the best of luck. Happy HNT even without a pic. :)

9:32 AM, April 20, 2006  
Blogger lime said...

i'm so glad you and c got to enjoy the beach trip without incident. and these naked thoughts are raw and honest. i can't imagine how the parenthood issues alone weigh on you. peace to you all.

btw, a zipline is a wre with a pulley sort of contraption you hold onto as it slides rapidly along the wire.

9:19 PM, April 20, 2006  

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