Hector Procter Redux

Here is another one where Hector is earning his keep.

I haven't written much here lately. Mostly because we have been in a holding pattern - clinging to the illusions of normalcy.

C has been kind of in stasis ever since we enrolled in the Hospice program. We still go to the clinic once a week or so for checkups and blood products. C needs platelets about once a week and sometimes red blood cells. Her oncologist was kind of pissed at us for enrolling in hospice, though he did not say so directly. I guess it is some kind of control thing for him.

Hospice patients don't usually go to the clinic on a regular basis. The hospice program is mostly set up for folks to die as best they can at home. They do great comfort care, but are not set up for treatment. The blood transfusions that C needs are seen as treatment so we had to get a special dispensation for them. Sigh.

Last night marked a turning point of sorts. C and I were lying in bed. She was dozing on and off and I was reading. Suddenly, she asked, "Do you still love me?" I assured her that I did and then a moment later asked if she was feeling unloved.

She was quiet for a moment. I could tell that she was trying hard not to cry. Then she said, "I don't know any more. I am afraid that I am losing my mind. I forget things. I have trouble understanding things - newspaper stories and things."

I knew then that we had reached a new stage. This is such a cruel process. We have had our love life stolen from us. We haven't made love for three and a half years. I have watched a woman who prided herself on her strength and independence become gradually weaker and weaker, unable to do some of the most simple things. Now her most precious resource, her intellect is under attack. This is coming from a woman who spent most of her professional career as a prominent and extremely capable attorney who loved to do the big deals. She finally left the crazy, deadline driven legal world to head her own company, a lifelong dream.

Then the world caved in. I don't know where I will find the strength for this.

P.