Monday, November 14, 2005

The Ache

I had a dream the other night of a woman's backside. She was climbing out of a window away from me. She was wearing nothing. She was not moving very fast and her vulva smiled coyly at me. I reached out and placed a finger gently on the spot where the plump, hairless lips met and slowly pushed my way in. She squirmed slightly and I knew I had been away from sex for too long because I no longer knew my way around. I had to fumble a bit before I found what I was looking for, an invitation, a promise of deeper mysteries. I entered.

I dream of sex a lot these days. I have not been able to make love with my wife for three years now. I ache with need.

This is perhaps the cruelest aspect of this disease, the loss of intimacy. Our relationship has changed because of it. We do not talk about it very often. I think that it is too painful for either of us.

The myeloma has caused bone damage that makes sex impossible. When you add the effects of chemotherapy and stem-cell transplants, passion has flown away.

I remain true to my wife in the strictest sense, but I feel the loss of physical love very strongly. I make use of the internet and newsgroups to find release of a sort. While my wife slowly wastes away upstairs, I cum to virtual sirens and am consumed with guilt.


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3:38 PM, November 14, 2005  

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